R.I.P. Little One...

For only being 12 ounces and just 77 days old, Atom2 has had quite a busy life... Last night we snuck him into a local restaurant for a fundraiser to benefit the rescue... 

In my heart, I sorta/kinda knew that I was losing this battle with his life... I think I knew on Tuesday afternoon when he started struggling every time I tried to feed him... He did NOT want to eat or drink and that is usually the first sign I am losing the battle... I had begun to feel like an evil foster mom, shoving medications, food, replacement milk, etc... And the needles for the subQ fluids?... I started hating myself for that as well... 

But even after I had to do it to save his life?... He'd stand up, turn around and make a beeline for me and try to climb up my chest into his 'nesting spot'... 

No one who met this wee one was unaffected by his presence... You couldn't help but be amazed at how small he was and yet his 'all out there' personality... The biggest of guys turned to mush when around him... 


Tuesday night, I stayed up most of the night with him... And in my mind, yesterday I started thinking he was giving up on me... Sometimes the fight to live is such a struggle, you get tired of fighting, ya know?

Last night after the third subQ of the day, I feed him, bundled him up and crawled into bed... He cuddled up and went to sleep... 

Normally this is the time I transfer him over to his crate but the thought crossed my head that this might be his last night - the first time I'd had that thought... So I let him stay in bed with me... 

About 1:30AM, he roused up and fidgeted which I know is his 'I gotta go potty' behavior... Set him down in his crate, he did his business, I did some more syringe feeding and he pushed his way back into the bundle nest of fleece for more sleep... 

At 3AM I checked... He was doing fine... At 4AM, I woke him up to get some more fluids down and he was NOT a happy camper... About 30 minutes later, he had to potty again, then came back to the 'nest'... 

He leaned into my chest, started warming up again and went back to sleep... 

I lay there, half awake and half asleep, listening to his breathing... And for a time, I got into a false 'bubble of positive thoughts' when his breathing and Momma's on the floor were in tandem... I could feel his heart where he laid and somewhere at some level, I guess I was listening (?), feeling (?) it... Soon after 7AM, I felt his heart stop beating and now fully awake, I laid there for a second not believing what I thought I was feeling or thinking... Sorta/kinda when you wake up from a dream and not sure if you are awake or asleep still, ya know?

Sadly, Atom2 lost his battle this morning... And I am a train wreck... I would just been a temporary foster mom on his journey to a furever home, but it does not hurt any less...